Yeah, you heard me right, noobs.
We’re getting into the nitty-gritty of everything I hate about motherhood. It’s about to get real. It’s about to get RAW, ladies and dudes. Be prepared for terror as you have never known before, and make sure you’re sitting while you read this…
Okay, folks, no more playing around. To all of you expectant moms, be warned! Here is…
What I Hate About Motherhood.
Having To Wear A Bra To Bed
Yeah, this is literally the worst. I have hated wearing bras since I was a wee Kenz, I even went bra-less the year before I got pregnant, and it was the most comfortable I had ever been!
And now I’ve gotta LIVE in one otherwise I gush MILK all over myself, and my bed, and my child.
And I don’t want to hear it, because I’ve tried the “sleeping bras”, and I still feel like a caged animal. I’ve also tried sleeping in those tanks with built-in bras, but they are challenging to use when I have to pump first thing in the morning…
In fact, wearing a bra to bed was the entire inspiration for this post in the first place!
So, mommies-to-be, enjoy your bra-less life… for now.
So, this is probably a “me” thing… but, for some reason, I am utterly disgusted if my own breast milk happens to drip onto my skin.
It doesn’t bother me bottled, it doesn’t bother me if it gets on the baby’s face- breast milk, itself, doesn’t bother me unless it physically touches me AT ALL.
I hate how it is just… not too cold or too warm, and that it just… I don’t know, came from my own body.
I have no idea, but it sure as hell irks the shit out of me.
Not Being Able To Remember… ANYTHING
Yeah, haha… hahaha, you think it’s a joke when all of the more senior moms talk about their brains just not working like they used to- but it’s not a joke, newbie!
Since getting pregnant, I can be told the same date of an event repeatedly, and STILL forget it to the point I have nearly missed MULTIPLE events.
It’s like my instincts are so wholly focused on my perfect baby boy, that everything in my short-term memory is just discarded.
I hope, one day, to reclaim at least a small fraction of my brain!
Only Having 2 Hands
Yeah, two hands are NOT enough when you have a baby- especially if you’re a work-from-home mother like moi.
I mean, for heck’s sake… I grew two arms, two legs, and a whole tiny body too! Why the heck can’t I seem to sprout a new arm? I’m taking as many prenatal vitamins as I can, damn it!
I fucking hated laundry BEFORE I had a baby. It was- BY FAR- the chore I would most often shirk whenever possible. Well, actually, let me clarify.
Performing the chore of washing and drying clothes is no big deal for me. I’m a millennial, so I don’t separate lights from darks, I’m fortunate enough to have a washer and dryer- so the actual CLEANING of clothes is not the problem.
It’s the FOLDING.
Especially now that I can play with a cute little baby (who is the most perfect thing to ever walk the face of the earth), trying to find the energy or desire to fold fucking laundry is just non-existent.
I literally have to give myself a pep-talk, and even after that, it took me about three-weeks-worth of laundry- and no more underwear- before I finally caved…
Go ahead, judge me… it’s my blog- I’ll shit on laundry duty if I want to.
It’s just… scary.
I was scared before… but now that I have this little tiny person who has to grow up in this world, everything I see and hear fills me with anxiety on both an “Oh my god is he going to be safe?” and an “I can’t believe this is how we’re treating one another- what will he think of this” level.
I just have my fingers crossed that I’ll be able to make him a strong enough- kind enough– man to make his way through it; and teach him how to bring his beauty and softness to a world that is in dire need of it right now.
Time(It Goes Too Fast)
Enough… just relax. You made me wait nine whole months to meet this little person, and now you’re flying by at light’s speed. Every time I blink, he’s hit a new milestone.
Each time I lay him down to sleep, I stand at his bedside just so that I can absorb who he is in the moment because I know the next morning he will have changed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to watch him grow and gain his own independence and autonomy. I love every new accomplishment in his little life journey that he makes, and I am honored to be a part of it…
But maybe you could go just a little easier on me?
I promise I am not taking these precious moments for granted. I heed whole-heartedly the wise and warning words of my elder mothers telling me “cherish it now… it goes so fast”.
So, if you don’t mind, slow down a bit… I know that one day I will be lying in bed, missing the moments when he called to me for nothing more than a lost pacifier, or a hungry belly- and too soon because he had a nightmare and simply needs a cuddle.
And then will come the day when he will wake from a nightmare, but be too proud to ask for the comfort of his mommy.
So, please- please tick a bit slower, take a break if you want…
I would really appreciate it.
And that Does It, Folks
If you somehow couldn’t tell by now, this post was a bit satirical in nature. I had other topics to write about, but none of them that I felt like writing about yet.
So I decided to have some fun, even if it got a bit heavy by the end there. Sorry, I guess motherhood brings out an even MORE sensitive side in me that I didn’t know I had.
If you take nothing else from this post, future mommies, take that this will be the most beautiful thing you will experience in your life. This incredible gift of motherhood should never be taken for granted, and you will feel such unbridled love that you can’t believe a human body can hold it all in.
I’m so excited for you.
And to my fellow noob moms, I’m honored to share this journey with you.
And, finally, to those Elder Mothers who raised us and have helped we noobs brace for all of the physical and emotional changes we now experience… thank you for your compassion.
It’s a huge honor to be a part of this mommy club…
But don’t invite me to any “Mom” Facebook groups… I’m not joining them.